Independent & Complex Thesis-in-Progress for Paper #4

Here are some examples of folks who are in the middle of developing a complex and independent thesis statement for Paper #4.  (These examples are from rough drafts – some may still be under development.  However, in their present state they are still great examples.)

When community driven animals are isolated and exposed to violence, the emotional impact leads to abnormal behavior and unnatural viciousness due to the loss of stability within their natural social structure.  -Coley

Individuals who see others as inferior will disregard their emotional being, and take control of that situation abusively by putting them through physical maltreatment, or attempting to amend those individuals to their (superior) ways. -Rosman

Therefore, by removing a mammal from their natural social structure or environment, one is causing them to lose all comfort they had in said environment, which will inevitably cause rage and other violent behavior as a direct result. – Carlo

A social structure and an environment guide an individual in all forms of etiquette, but if either the social structure or the environment are poor role models, then the individual lacks a sense of direction, which is evident in his/her behavior. -Frenklakh

Evolution of a Thesis Statement

Below, please see an example of how Janki’s Patel’s thesis statement evolved while she was working on Paper #3. She was grappling with a complicated idea which she repeatedly worked on the articulation of.  (She actually wrote more than three versions of it.  The chosen examples below exemplify her process.) The third one, which is independent and clearly stated, is what she used for her final draft.

1.  In all three essays, tipping points were seemingly trivial, yet powerful symbols that surreptitiously transmitted anger into people, but this anger could be controlled and channeled into improving current situations.

2.  Anger is a result of a person’s reflection of symbols in the environment and recognizing such symbols can be the key to improving situations.

3.  The interpretation of visual symbols can trigger anger, which in turn, creates an awareness that serves as a catalyst for a positive social change.

In Your Own Words

Here is a tool that might be useful:

If you find your are having a hard time writing what you are trying to express – say it out loud!  Better yet, get a friend or writing partner and verbally explain your thesis statement, your topic sentence, or how/why your quote supports what you are trying to say.  And by the way, what are you trying to say?

And, whether you are talking out loud to yourself, or to another person, record what you are saying. Do you have a hand-held recording device? Do you have Garage Band on your Mac, or some other sound recording program on your PC? There are a lot of easy ways to capture what you say.

After you’ve recorded yourself verbally explaining a topic sentence, connection or thesis statement etc., play back your recording and transcribe it verbatim.  (Write by hand or on a computer exactly word-for-word what you said.)

If you have been filling the pages of your paper with mostly summary of the essays – now look at what you have said and you’ll find you’ve generated a tremendous amount of text – in your own words.  And if you’ve said what you want to say, use it!  Write that in your paper.  Of course you will have to edit it for clarity and proper grammar use. We often verbally communicate in incomplete sentences.

Also, if you find you’re having a hard time saying anything at all – talk it through out loud, record it and transcribe it.  You will most likely have expressed and idea you were struggling to write.  Now that it’s been expressed, you can take your transcription and edit for clarity and proper grammar.

Try it!  This is a tool that is surprisingly useful.

Any students who try this – please share!  It would be great to post what kind of experience you had doing this.

A Passing Paper

Click here to download PDF: A Passing Paper

Thesis Statement Development and Revision Examples

Below are several examples of actual thesis statements from our class in their various stages. Though they could all use some more work, take a look at how they changed. (These statements were written and re-written numerous times to uncover what the student was really trying to say.)

ORIGINAL – SLIGHTLY CONFUSING: “In essence, the assumption is that people will duplicate what they see being done even if it is considered wrong or a criminal act and become copycats.”

REVISED: “The Broken Windows theory could also be called the Copy Cat Crime theory as both recognize the environment predominately dictates human behavior – thus tactics Gunn and Bratton used to clean up crime in NYC would also be extremely effective to clean up Copy Cat Crime.”

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

THIS STATES THE OBVIOUS: “The New York City subway system was dramatically cleaned up by disciples of the Broken Windows theory who identified and removed Tipping Points from the environment.”

REVISION MAKING IT MORE INDEPENDENT: “Bratton and Gunn cleaned up the New York City subway system because they were able to motivate the inner-child of police officers and identify the inner-child of the criminal mind in order to apply effective punishment.”

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

CONFUSING: “Gunn’s and Bratton’s ideas were based off a theory in which Tipping Points were the base of the problems, so he could therefore be seen making strange, seemingly backwards decisions in situations where you might think the correct answer would be contradictory to his.”

The student’s was asked what their impulse was for this thesis statement. They said the “Tipping Points theory was so far fetched, so weird, there was no way it could work!  It went against ‘reality'”

REVISED: “Since (people) considered Tipping Points insignificant to the overwhelming immediate crisis, Gunn and Bratton’s theory on how to rid NYC of crime seemed unrealistic–yet crimes rates dropped dramatically as a direct result of their actions.”

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

ORIGINAL/CONFUSING: “Speculations and stereotypes soon were implicated on the close knit town leaving them in a desperate attempt for their name to be restored with all thanks due to the ridiculing assumptions and unsupported conclusions of the media.”

REVISED: “Due to ridiculing assumptions and unsupported conclusions of the media, speculations and stereotypes soon were implicated on the close-knit town leaving the people of Laramie in a desperate attempt to restore their reputation.”

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

STRONG INDEPENDENT THESIS STATEMENTS

“In both Malcolm Gladwell and Beth Loffreda’s essays, the location of where a crime occurred, and the race and social class of the people involved with the crime served as tipping points toward the media’s behavior.”

“The words and actions of the public served as Tipping Points to fabricate the media’s stories which would eventually influence and unveil the desperate need for political and social change.”

“The Power of Context affects human behavior, pack mentality and Unique Thought Generation.”

“Negative symbolism is so powerful because it can be used as a great weapon in the humiliation and dehumanization of an individual.”

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Any students who would like to volunteer their original thesis statement and then the revised one to be posted here is highly encouraged!  Explaining your process you used for revisions would be great to have as well.

Excellent Paper Examples from Sections AT & BQ

B+ The thesis is interesting and the student crafts a cogent and well written paper to support it. Notice the excellent supporting textual evidence, which has be woven in throughout the paper.  Lisa Patrone’s FD Paper #2

B+ This paper has a great introduction and an interesting independent thesis. The body paragraphs are well-organized and contain excellent textual evidence from both Loffreda and Gladwell. Jason Wooster’s FD Paper #2

A This is a well written paper with textual evidence expertly woven into the student’s writing. The textual evidence (quotes) also support the student’s statements as well as pushing the narrative of the essay forward. Lily Apollony’s Final Draft Paper 2

Here is something which could be improved in all three essay’s above:  Each paragraph should start out with a topic sentence – a topic sentence addressing one aspect of the thesis.  Some of the paragraph’s first (topic) sentences start by summarizing something about the essays.  Other topic sentences directly address an aspect of the thesis statement.  Can you tell the difference?

Coming soon…more student paper examples will be available.

Student Experts – Grammar

Our grammar presentations have begun with fantastic and comprehensive mini-lectures by students.  Congratulations to…

Krishna Parikh and Akash Patel – “Apostrophe to Show Possession”

Janki Patel and Jason Kessler – “Subject-Verb Agreement”

Joe Burns and Jelan Coley – “Sentence Fragments”

If you have any questions regarding these topics, I would query these folks for advice!

Hot Tips (little things make a big difference)

There are a number of simple things you can do to help improve the quality of your papers.

• ALWAYS proofread your essay on a hard copy.  It’s very difficult to proof on a computer monitor.
• Read your essay out loud.  You will be surprised at grammar errors your ear will pick up even if you don’t understand all the rules.  When you read out loud, it is also easier to edit for clarity.  (What makes sense in your head as you silently read to yourself does not always translate in the writing – especially to a reader who is not you.)
• Have a friend read your essay out loud.  If they are stumbling over sentences, it’s a sign they might need editing.
• Having a hard time organizing your paragraphs or ideas?  Obviously, you can do a written outline on a piece of paper or word doc.  But I find it very useful to print my draft, take scissors and cut each paragraph apart.  Then, sequester a big/long table at the library and lay your paragraphs out so you can easily re-shuffle.  (Sometimes it’s easier to see ALL your information at once when it’s not on the computer screen.) When you have re-assembled your information, stack up those cut-outs (in order) and go back to your computer to cut and paste.
• The word “that” is overused and often does not add any clarity to your sentence.  Look through you paper and cut “that” whenever possible.
• Writing is all about RE-writing.  I had to proofread and edit this short blog post no less than three times. Each time I found typos as well as sentences needing further clarity.  (And it could still use some tweaking!)

The Foundation

Your thesis statement is the foundation to your paper.

So how do you develop an independent thesis statement?

We can detail the technical parts of a thesis statement.  But in order to make your thesis statement independent, it has to be something you are truly excited about.  Does something from our readings resonate with you emotionally?  Do you feel passionate about something?  Are you intellectually intrigued or fascinated by something from our readings?  All of the above?   In my opinion, that is the best place to begin when devising an independent thesis statement.

1. Identify your emotional or intellectual impulsive response to the readings.

2. Explore how this relates to the assignment question.

3. Begin writing out your statement ideas.

• Keep reconstructing your statement until you have a sentence which makes sense to an outside reader.
• It’s not unusual to draft many versions (3, 5, 10 or more!) to find one that really works.  Some folks find it easy to do this on a computer.  Others get their thoughts flowing when they write by hand.

Remember, writing is re-writing.